The Difficult Art of Communicating During Conflict
Communication: one of the top reasons for couples therapy
One of the main reasons couples seek out couples therapy is to work on their communication. Some couples find themselves in a repetitive cycle where each has a completely different perception of how conflict is handled and how their partner communicates in conflict. It is not uncommon for one part of a couple to tell me their view on what happened in their last fight, only to have their partner have the complete opposite memory of events.
One thing I hear often from couples is that no matter how many times they try to address things calmly, “they’re never going to agree.” With that statement, I tell them they’ve completely missed the point. Agreeing should not always be the expectation for managing or handling conflict well. It’s a nice bonus but often it’s a tall order. But understanding how your partner perceived things or events in conflict….that’s more important.
Understanding, empathy, and validation are key
I often ask couples to start practicing reflecting on what their partner is saying in session. Learning how to actually listen to your partner’s experience is key. So many couples jump right to being defensive in a conflict and say, “That’s not what I meant” or “You’re overreacting.” A huge part of building calm communication and getting over conflict is starting to listen to your partner’s experience of events and trying to validate that experience. It doesn’t mean that you agree but it means you understand how your words impacted them.
The second part is that rather than being defensive, you apologize for how your words came off to your partner and work to clarify what your intent was. It’s then trying to rephrase the discussion so your partner can hear what you meant without feeling it was an attack or personal.
While listing this out, I’m sure it makes sense to you on paper, but then when it comes to actually implementing it in real life you’re finding it much harder.
Managing Your Own Triggers
A huge amount of work in improving communication and conflict is learning to self-soothe and calm down before engaging in the discussion. I don’t advocate walking away dramatically or shutting down, but I encourage couples to have a statement or word they can use to indicate they need time to bring their adrenaline levels down and calm down.
After time has been taken, it is critical that couples come back and try to calmly go over the conflict. This is not about resolving the conflict, it’s about understanding how your partner was impacted. In this process, it’s trying to diffuse hostility and tension while building empathy for your partner and a better understanding of their inner world.
Setting up Long-Term Relationship Success
I often tell couples that a good relationship isn’t one with zero conflict, conflict is inevitable and expected. The hard part is making sure that it’s something that you both learn to make productive instead of destructive. Repairing after conflict is critical to your relationship’s success and often it doesn’t come naturally, but the work is setting your relationship up for stability and happiness.
