5 Things to Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex: A Sex Therapist’s Guide
By a Certified Sex Therapist Serving Washington, DC & Northern Virginia
Sexual disconnection is one of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy—and when one partner no longer desires sex, it can feel confusing, painful, and even threatening to the relationship. If you're a husband wondering, "Why doesn't my wife want sex anymore?" or "What can I do when she’s never in the mood?"—you're not alone, and there is hope.
As a sex therapist working with couples in Northern Virginia and the DC metro area, I see this pattern often. Here are supportive, practical steps to help you navigate this with empathy and intention.
1. Start with Curiosity, Not Criticism
When sexual desire fades, it’s rarely just about sex. Your partner may be overwhelmed, emotionally disconnected, hormonally imbalanced, or carrying invisible stress. The key is to approach the topic gently and without blame.
Try saying something like:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t been intimate in a while, and I really miss that connection with you. How are you feeling about things between us lately?”
This opens the door to conversation without triggering defensiveness or shame. Also, try to understand her perspective (without judgment). Are any of the following issues for her right now?
Hormonal changes or medical issues
Stress, anxiety, or depression
Past trauma
Relationship dynamics (emotional disconnection, unresolved conflict)
A mismatch in desire styles (e.g., spontaneous vs. responsive desire)
2. Understand Responsive Desire
Not everyone experiences spontaneous sexual desire. Many women—especially in long-term relationships—operate on responsive desire, meaning they don’t feel aroused until after emotional closeness or physical touch begins. If your wife isn’t initiating sex, it may not mean she’s uninterested—it may mean she needs to feel connected first.
Creating regular opportunities for emotional intimacy (talking, cuddling, date nights, laughter) can lay the foundation for desire to grow.
3. Assess Emotional & Relational Health
Sexual issues rarely exist in isolation. Ask yourself:
Are we emotionally close right now?
Are we feeling seen and heard in this relationship?
Are there unresolved hurts or communication breakdowns?
Often, sexual withdrawal is a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection. A trained couples or sex therapist can help you uncover and work through those layers.
4. Avoid Pressure—and Create Safety Instead
Pressure for sex often backfires. Your partner may shut down further if she feels guilted, rushed, or judged. Instead of focusing on the outcome (intercourse), focus on rebuilding mutual safety and playfulness—moments of physical affection, shared vulnerability, or non-sexual touch.
5. Seek Professional Support
You don’t have to navigate this alone. A certified sex therapist can help both of you:
Identify the root causes of low desire
Improve communication around intimacy
Rebuild trust, emotional closeness, and physical connection
Whether you're facing mismatched libidos, postpartum changes, past trauma, or sexual shame, healing is possible—with support.
Final Thoughts
Sexual desire in long-term relationships isn’t always spontaneous—and that’s normal. But if you're feeling isolated or hurt by a lack of intimacy, you deserve support. Working with a therapist can help shift frustration into understanding and create a new foundation for connection.
Looking for Sex Therapy in Washington, DC or Northern Virginia?
I help couples explore intimacy, heal emotional wounds, and rediscover passion. Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire, communication breakdowns, or sexual disconnection, I’d be honored to support you.
Contact me today to schedule a consultation.
