Anger Could be Destroying Your Relationship

While most people are aware on the surface level that getting angry and then taking it out on others is not ok, that doesn’t change the fact that many people find that hard to live out in practice. For many, it’s their personal relationships where they feel the safest to “act out” or “explode” because they can’t do it in other areas of their life like work, society, or on other less supportive relationships. However, because loved ones can take the brunt of outbursts it makes even the strongest relationships susceptible to cracking and eventually breaking.

Many couples have come to treatment acknowledging the anger that exists. Studies have shown that men and women experience similar rates but that the way it’s expressed differs. Men are more outwardly aggressive while women, due to societal reasons tend to suppress or become more “passive aggressive.” While neither is ideal, when a couple is experiencing anger at one another and engaging in either outward yelling or passive aggressive comments it is destructive for the relationship and erodes the couple dynamic.

What’s Causing Your Anger?

There can be a million reasons for anger to build in a relationship from a skewed division of labor, frustrations about sex or lack thereof, extended family issues, finances, and the list goes on and on. However, when a couple does not address these issues in a constructive way and instead lets resentment build over the course of months and years it takes a toll not just on the couple but on each person as an individual.

Too Many Negative Interactions Are More Damaging Than You Think

Famous couple researchers John and Julie Gottman have shown that positive interactions between a couple matter and that negative interactions have a more damaging impact than you’d think. For every 1 negative interaction you have with your spouse, it is shown you need at least 5 positive interactions to neutralize that 1. I’ve disclosed this information to clients and they’ve looked at me in amusement and disbelief. Many couples I work with feel like their ratio is the opposite of at least 5 negative interactions to maybe 1 positive if they’re lucky. Many particularly cite angry interactions laced with negative comments about themselves, their abilities, or competence. Women often tell me their husbands “can’t control their temper” and do things like slam cabinets too loudly when in a fight to some even punching holes in walls, while men often talk to me about the passive aggressive comments they’ve received that place them in a constant state of anger, resentment, and feelings of worthlessness.

Couples Therapy is Needed

If your relationship is stuck in this state it’s time to get help and start learning new behaviors and unlearning destructive ones. Couples therapy is incredibly helpful in this regard. However, much of this is much easier said than done and commitment from each person to the work is essential. But when both people are equally invested in healing the relationship, ridding it of toxic anger, and learning healthy ways to express intense feelings while also hearing your parter, it can set your relationship on track for a bright, loving, and healthy future.

Here are some steps that are needed to start the process:

Everyone Needs to Take Accountability

While I have seen cases where there truly is one narcissistic partner who gaslights or is abusive, in the vast majority of couples I treat both people are the issue. My favorite line to say to couples is, “it takes two to tango” and hardly is there ever one villain and one saint. Most likely it’s a combination of two people making missteps and not responding to each other in a constructive way. Both people need to acknowledge their part in the dynamic and take accountability to fix it.

Respond, do not React

Reactions are common and instinctive. However, when it comes to your relationships, it’s your reactions that are destructive. When you hear something from your partner that sets you off, do not react. Take a moment, ask for time, breath, and then when you’re calm and able to address it from a rational perspective respond to them and start the dialogue off on the right foot. Miscommunications are often what make up dysfunction. Take time to address each persons perspective, share how it felt or came off to you, and then empathize with each other in trying to reconnect and repair.

Apologize. And do it Often

Yes, yes I know…It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t mean it that way, your partner is too sensitive or is projecting their “stuff” onto you…it does’t matter. If your partner has been hurt in anyway by something you said, apologize to them…even if you feel there is no need. The bottom line is that they perceived it a certain way, even if that was not your intention. You can take that time to reassure them that was not your intentions (if it wasn’t) and if it was intended to hurt them, take responsibility, apologize, and start working to reconnect with them in the way they need.

Show Love in the Way Your Partner Appreciates it

We all give and receive love in various ways. Some of us want to be touched or help while others may need you to say something affirming or do an act of service. Regardless, when there has been a rift, actively take time to start showing your partner that you love and appreciate them in the way that THEY receive love. Attune to them and their needs and work to repair. Saying positive things to your partner or even thanking them or acknowledging their efforts in any capacity can be extremely validating and healing after a rift. Make sure that repairs are happening soon after a fight or rupture.

Building a Healthy Relationship

When anger is present in your dynamic it can feel extremely hard to implement anything I’ve put above. But it is incredibly important each partner is working towards doing just that. Understand that anger and resentment is not a sustainable feeling to hold towards the person you’re choosing to do life with. But it takes both people acknowledging the anger, holding themselves and each other accountable, and both people trying to do better every day. I am not the first to say that relationships are not for the faint of heart, but they what that many of us find the most rewarding no matter how difficult the climb can be.