What Your Attachment Style Means For Your Relationship and Your Sex Life

Attachment styles have been a heavily studied concept that has really taken off in therapy rooms all around the country over the last 5-10 years. While some of the discussions surrounding attachment are overreaching and often dominate other more important aspects of relationship work, understanding attachment can be extremely helpful in understanding yourself, your partner, and what that can mean for your sex life.

Attachment is something formed when we are young with our primary caregiver. Historically, that has been the mother. This was documented in the lab experiment the “Strange Situation” done by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970’s. She was looking at how children responded to their caregiver in a playroom with them and what happened when they left, and more importantly what happened when the caregiver came back a few minutes later.

The break down looked like this:

Secure Attachement

Secure attachment was shown when the child’s caregiver left and the child was visibly upset but then is able to calm down, sooth, and play with someone or appear comfortable. When mommy comes back, the secure child is happy to see her and uses her as a secure base to jump back and forth from as they explore the room of toys. The mother to this child often shows care, consistency, and attunes to her child when they have needs.

In adulthood, securely attached adults feel comfortable in their romantic relationship, are able to give and receive trust, be vulnerable without fear or anxiety, and make confident and loving partners. Sex is often navigated with consideration, open communication, and open to their partner making sexual requests and equally secure asking for sexual requests of their own.

Ambivalent Attachment

Ambivalent attachment presents in children, is an insecure attachment, where the child is not able to calm down when their caregiver leaves the room and is still visibly upset or even angry when their mother returns. The mother to this child is often inconsistent and unreliable. One moment the mother can be distant and at another moment the mother can be too attentive or even intrusive when the baby needs space.

This shows up as primarily anxiety in adulthood. These adults are extremely anxious about their partner and the stability of their relationship. This person shows up as texting excessively, sometimes lashing out for attention, and they constantly worry about whether the person they’re with really loves them and if they’re holding their attention both romantically and sexually.

This person often uses sex as a way of bonding, and can place high meaning on sexual encounters as emotional bonds. Typically casual sexual relationships are not constructive for anxious attached adults in that they feel emotional turmoil in casual relationships that is not clearly defined or commitment is not explicit. This can make sex become a tool for “getting someone to like them” and a coping mechanism that ends up defining their worth and self-esteem.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant children often do not show emotion when their caretaker leaves and often pretends not to care when they return. Mothers of this child show little interest in their child and make it well known they want them to do activities alone and without them.

Avoidant adults have learned they cannot rely on others to get their needs met. A big takeaway is that people cannot be trusted and they have a strong sense of self-reliance and independence. In romantic relationships this can be a problem in that they have trouble getting close to people, easily feel smothered, often don’t communicate well, and see sex as an act that is void of emotional connection.

One common issue we see is that avoidant adults attract anxious partners and vice versa. This is typically a powder keg of emotions and drama that can emerge. Sex means very different things to each and the value placed on sex as an emotional bond is on extreme ends of the spectrum. Often anxiously attached adults see sex as something they need to keep giving to keep the avoidance attention and they misconstrue that attention for “emotions.” Avoidant adults feel completely smothered by their anxious partners and often withdraw, isolate, and since sex is mainly just a non-emotional act, they are confused by the attached person’s extreme and emotional reactions.

Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant

Disorganized attachment shows in children who have experienced neglect or abuse. When their parents comes back to the room, they are often inconsolable wanting their attention but then showing contradictory actions like pushing them away. These children are scared of their caregiver but are evolutionary wired to want them near.

These disorganized adults show up in relationships as pushing their partner away one moment and then pulling them closer the next. This is very taxing and confusing for their partners. Often this presents as a volatile or what we often call as “toxic” relationship. Lots of yelling, fighting, break ups, makes ups, and passionate sex.

The sexual component can be very conflicting for disorganized adults and their partners. This attachment style often fuels an emotionally charged relationship where sex can be “intoxicating” often filled with feelings of anger, jealousy, or even euphoria after making up.

Why Does Any of This Attachment Stuff Matter?

Knowing your attachment style can be incredibly helpful in navigating either a current relationship or a future one. Often therapy can be a starting point to first identify what attachment style you present with and/or what your partner presents with in order to help start navigating relationships in a more healthy way. It is incredibly possible to change your attachment style. But it’s a lot of work. If you’re either dating, living with someone, or married there is never a bad time to know your attachment style and start making the changes you need to start getting the healthy relationship you deserve.