How to Keep Sex & Desire Alive in Your Long-Term Relationship
Long-Term Relationship Issues:
If you’re in a long-term relationship you are very aware that relationships change. Couples that have spent many decades together have gone through having kids, changing jobs, moving homes, losing a loved one, and becoming ill, just to name a few. Many ask how it is possible to keep sex and relationships interesting or new when they’ve spent a lifetime with one person. How do you keep sex going when you’ve watched your partner take on many roles, many of them not as a lover?
Esther Perel has written extensively in her works about this. Her book “Mating in Captivity” outlines the struggles that many couples go through when they have lost their attraction to one another and where even though they love each other they stop seeing their partner with sexual desire. While many couples say “we’re best friends” that still doesn’t translate into “I want to have sex with them.”
This is a common struggle that anyone in a long-term relationship may experience. Here are 4 things to keep in mind to start improving your sex life in your relationship.
1. Don’t expect your partner to “be your everything.”
In modern marriages, we think our spouse has to be our everything. Our lover, best friend, confident, spiritual counselor, or sometimes even therapist. This is an impossible standard to hold anyone to and many are surprised when our spouse falls short of this expectation. Many have to start changing these expectations of their spouse and start appreciating what they offer. Enjoy the qualities that you are drawn to and find attractive, but make sure they are not the only person in your life. This brings me to #2.
2. Have hobbies, friendships, and interests outside of your relationship.
There are two issues with trying to make your partner your everything: either they fall short and you end up resenting the things they aren’t, or on the other hand, they become the person you end up doing everything with. The issue with the latter is that spending all your free time with your partner and having all the same friends, hobbies, and responsibilities together can mean that you stop seeing them as sexual beings and you also lose your sense of individuality.
One of the largest reasons people have affairs is not because they’re unhappy in their relationship but because they feel they’ve lost their sense of self. It becomes a way to reclaim a part of yourself, get attention, and feel desired. Many couples feel they are constantly having to do something for each other or the family they’ve created together. They feel they have no life outside of it.
Something I encourage couples to talk about is keeping in mind that they are not only partners and parents but also individuals and need to take care of that identity.
This can mean having hobbies for yourself, prioritizing going out with friends without your spouse or doing things alone that bring you joy. This does not mean that you forget about your spouse and disregard them, but it means that you keep paying attention to your needs as well and make sure you feel you have an individual identity.
3. Speak openly about fantasies and desires.
It is so critical that long-term couples are communicating about their sex life and the desires they have. It can be easy to “assume” we know what our partner wants because we’ve been together so long. But frankly discussing our sexual thoughts, desires, and fantasies can be incredibly important for sex to stay interesting.
When discussing sex try not to become defensive or shut down but keeping an open mind and staying non-judgmental allows for more disclosure from each person about sexual satisfaction and ways to start improving your sex life. Avoid manipulation or guilt if you’re expressing dissatisfaction with your sex life. Make sure that conversations are productive and open, and that empathy and consideration are the central tone of the dialogues.
4. Don’t expect sex to stay the same
A hard part of a long-term relationship is understanding that sex will not stay the same. Most of us will not have the luxury of the “hot” or “passionate” sex that we had when we first met or the time or energy for the frequency we had at first. With life moving along, kids entering the picture, and life stress added, sex does change. However, that does not mean that you have to settle for a boring sex life. It just means that each person manages their expectations, keeps communicating, and tries to find ways to keep sex a priority.
Compromise often needs to be reached, as most couples have different desire levels. Meeting each other with understanding and consideration in finding a balance with sex is a central part. Also, managing disappointment when sex doesn’t happen is something many struggle with. Trying to avoid blame or “shutting down” when sex doesn’t happen is key but coming back to the discussion when you’re calmer can help the relationship move towards a healthier place where change can happen.
Final Thoughts:
While these are just a few tips to start managing sex in a long-term relationship they are important to keep in mind if you find that you’re no longer happy with your sex life. If discussing these issues is causing you pain or something that is adding hostility to the relationship, make sure that you seek out a therapist to help you through this.
While long-term relationships can be incredibly rewarding, they can also be challenging. Make sure that you’re communicating during these challenges and being transparent with each other when there are issues. This can help you move forward and have a sex and relationship life that brings you both satisfaction and joy.
