Should I Get a Divorce? 3 Red Flags that Show it’s Time to Divorce
As a sex and couple’s therapist I truly believe that couple’s can get through anything.
Long-term relationships inevitably have very low times that need nursing and attention.
That being said, there are times you may need to walk away and leave the relationship in your rear view mirror.
Here are 3 things to access when making this incredibly hard decision:
1. Have you caught your partner repeatedly lying in the relationship and betraying your trust?
Whether your partner has cheated on you, lied about finances, or has hidden other indiscretions it is incredibly important that this is not happening repeatedly. One pattern I see often is serial lying and cheating. This is where the partner has been caught before, promised honesty moving forward, but continues the behavior all the while increasing the secrecy. The partner who is consistently being lied to and cheated on needs to realistically access the situation and often has to make the difficult decision to leave.
If you can’t trust your spouse or partner life together is going to be incredibly rocky and will keep you from being your best and secure self. If monogamy is the terms you’ve both agreed to and it’s not being honored, you have to make the decision if this is something you’re willing to shift your perspective on or if it’s a deal breaker and you need to move on to someone who can commit monogamously. The most important thing is that the relationship terms that have been agreed to are met with honesty and transparency. It is critical that you can trust your partner. If trust does not exist your relationship will never be a good one.
2. The only reason you’re staying is out of fear of the unknown or starting over.
This is probably the top reason I see a person stay in a relationship that is not making them happy and is dysfunctional. I often hear, “I’m too old to start over” or “life could be worse with someone else.” I will say here what I say to my clients. Fear of starting over is NEVER a good reason to stay in a relationship. While the unknown can be scary, it can be incredibly rewarding to free yourself from a person who does not respect you or honor you. It can be a chance to dump time, love, and care into yourself that has been neglected.
Often times people stay because it’s the “devil they know.” Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve more out of life, love, and your relationships than settling for someone who won’t work with you or meet your needs.
3. You’re carrying 100% of the relationship load.
If you are the person who is actively trying to save the relationship and you’re carrying 100% of the load of “fixing” the relationship it’s time to leave. For a relationship to heal and get stronger it’s a 50/50 load each person has to want to and be willing to carry. I see so many couples who are in therapy and it’s apparent one of them is checked out and doing nothing to work on the relationship. Attending a weekly therapy session is not even remotely adequate when a marriage is in trouble. It requires constant attention, effort, and work. If it’s not the top priority in both partner’s life it makes it impossible to heal and move forward together.
If you see that your partner is checked out and thinks that by attending therapy they’re “putting in effort” it’s time to think about moving forward but apart.
The Hard Truth
Breaking up is incredibly painful. When we get married we envision a long life together and it’s devastating when the reality doesn’t turn out that way. But do not use that as a reason to stay tied to a person. While I know many factors come into play when considering dissolving a marriage or relationship, keep in mind you need to know your worth. Knowing what you want and what you deserve are incredibly important in reclaiming your sense of self. Fear comes with the territory of a huge life change like divorce but keep in mind that change could be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Sometimes it take getting distance from the person keeping us down to start living the life of our dreams.
If you are contemplating whether you need to move on from your relationship book an appointment today and together we start examining what you need and deserve in your life.
