Communication…It’s Sexy

Do you remember the beginning of your relationship?

The excitement, titillation, and ecstasy of just being with your newfound person.

Oh, and the sex. It was amazing. 5 times a day? Easy. A position you wouldn’t try? No way.

Fast forward to multiple years together, maybe multiple children, in the thick of living life.

Sex? Maybe once a month, if the kids cooperate.

Excitement? That word is now associated when you get a free pizza from the Dominos app.

The really good news is that you are not alone!

This pattern is typical and happens to almost every couple as they spend more years together and gain more responsibilities.

The even better news? You can find ways to reconnect and start having the relationship and sex you want.

Now before you start grabbing the handcuffs and bottle of whip cream the surprise is that getting to that place isn’t necessarily all that sexy. The first and most important step is…..

 Communication!

Many couples look at me in disbelief that this is the major issue that is causing them to feel disconnected. But yes….as a psychotherapist I’m here to say that the first place you start is learning how to talk….and even more importantly, listen to each other.

Communication is difficult. We may think we’re saying things clearly and dropping all the hints of what we need and want, or on the flip side we might think it is fruitless to talk to each other about our needs and think if we do a landmine will erupt.

Learning how to assertively and empathetically talk and listen to each other is going to be the first place you start in revving up your relationship. Learning how to listen without jumping to defenses or shutting down is the other biggest hurdle.

Sometimes we feel guilty or shameful about the things we’re longing for or missing. Or feeling that our fantasies are taboo or even weird.

 If you feel that communication is something that you simply can’t do it’s time to seek therapy. Through therapy, you learn how to communicate and listen to your partner. You will practice being vulnerable and honest about what you want and need while also learning to hear the concerns and desires of your partner. You will also learn how to manage intense reactions like defensiveness, volatility, or even shutting down.

Once communication is thriving and you and your partner are able to understand where the other is coming from…..then you can stop all the talking and start getting back to the sex you both want.