Relationships After Baby….Don’t Just Survive but Learn How to Thrive Together as a Couple

Welcoming your new baby to your family is always framed as the most joyous time in your families life. It’s been something so many couples have dreamed of, anticipated, and often spent many stressful months or years trying to make happen.

However, while having a child is such a special time, there is a side to it that often remains hidden behind the curtain that we don’t talk about enough…..relationship dissatisfaction.

Studies show that couples who have children have lower relationship satisfaction than those without. Relationship and sex satisfaction drastically decline through the first two years of being a new parent and increase with the more children had especially among the mothers.

So many factors contribute to this. Let’s first think about the toll having a child has on the mother’s body and then add a year or two of intense sleep deprivation. That’s not going to inspire feelings sunshine and bliss. Further, division of labor is still a huge factor affecting new parents. Wives feel that they carry the burden of most child care, household chores, and many are still working full time. Men on the other hand often feel “replaced.” They feel there partner is now enamored with another and all her attention is now on the baby and not him. This can create distance from both parties.

While stress in inevitable when welcoming a new baby there are ways through it! John and Julie Gottman have done intensive research on what holds couples together through welcoming a new baby and one factor that stands out is a strong friendship. Couples who are genuine friends and who enjoy being around each other fare much better. When couples are able to share frustrations, stresses, and ask for help from their partner, knowing that they have their true interest at heart, these relationships not only manage to get through the first two years of parenthood but they thrive doing it.

Open discussions about sharing divisions of labor and a husband’s openness to take night shifts, give baths, and spend time alone with the baby also add to overall higher level of satisfaction.

Also, continuing to find ways to be intimate and sometimes redefining intimacy can help a couple stay connected. While sex will change, couples who manage to communicate through it and are openly accepting that sex may not always be on the docket, are able to navigate new parenthood with better ease. Accepting that masturbation may need to occur more frequently from either or both partners, takes stress off in having to be perform sexually in moments of intense stress or fatigue.

Talking openly about this helps. Being able to to converse without throwing blame or guilt on each other allows for the other partner to be non defensive and more willing to find compromises and solutions.

Having a new baby is hard but it also carries so much joy in building a family. Remembering that the romantic partnership came first is something to equally cherish as much a being a parent. While being a parent is life altering, working with the person we chose to navigate that journey with in an open and positive attitude can only make the family happier and stronger.