Healing After Infidelity

Many couples come to therapy to deal with an earth-shattering revelation: infidelity. Infidelity is not a simple topic. The WHY of infidelity is hardly ever simple and it differs for the many relationships it impacts. Infidelity can occur because of stress, loss of attraction, new phases of life, time apart, insecurity, addiction, dealing with chronic illness, lack of affection, larger relationship problems, and the list goes on and on. There is no simple prescription as to why it happens, but healing and repairing after infidelity is long-term work that requires equal effort on both partners.

The Betrayed

Being the betrayed party is incredibly hurtful and devastating. It wrecks confidence, self-esteem, trust, and involves an array of rapid, cycling emotions. It is so important that the betrayed partner is given time to grieve. Seeking therapy is incredibly helpful not just as a couple but as an individual. It takes time to sort out thoughts and emotions and often professional support is needed. The betrayed need time to ask questions, be clear on the situation, and given time and space in order to process how they would like to move forward.

The Offending Partner

While the betrayed spouse needs time to heal, the offended partner often gets labeled the “bad guy” and sometimes there is a mentality around atoning and/or punishing the offender. While every circumstance is different, it is important to consider the offending partner in the healing process as well. There are many partners who are unfaithful that genuinely feel guilt, shame, remorse, and even intense depression after their indiscretions. While it is imperative that they provide details of the affair, apologize with authenticity and genuineness, they too need to do work on moving forward and forgiving themselves.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not an isolated event. It requires forgiving many different times and may reemerge even years after working through infidelity. The betrayed partner needs time to forgive and patience in that process. There will be times that anger or resentment reoccurs and they need time and space.  It is important that they have the support and love of their partner, that their partner reiterates their commitment to the relationship, and that they are validated in their emotions.

However, equally important is that the offending partner work on forgiving themselves as well. Many clients who have been unfaithful carry a stigma with them that affects their self-worth, identity, and confidence. They label themselves as a “horrible person” and unworthy of their partner, children, and life. Many fall into a deep depression. It is important that they are also met with love and empathy from their partner and that they seek their own individual therapy to work on identifying why they were unfaithful, but also start the process of forgiving themselves and reclaiming their identity so they no longer dismiss themselves as a “cheater.”

When Therapy is Needed

Both individual and couples therapy is often needed after discovery of infidelity. When working on staying together and healing after infidelity, an array of emotions are at play including grief, anger, shame, resentment, and volatility. Work is needed on how to regain trust in the relationship dynamic and rebuild intimacy. Intimacy building is critical in coming back from infidelity to help couples reestablish their affection, love, and desire for each other.

Additionally, therapists work with the couple on identifying triggers and stressors that led them to infidelity and find ways to open up communication when those elements are occurring. Couples learn how to have difficult discussions in a productive, open, and empathetic way that allow them to navigate the hurdles of life together.

Long-term relationships are not an easy road but they are also incredibly rewarding. A life with someone can come with times of devastation and pain. However, when both parties are open with each other and equally committed to making it through the storm, a strong, committed, and loving life together is possible.