The Problem with “Traditional” Couples Therapy
Traditional Couples Therapy Beliefs
Traditional couples therapy has often held many views that have not held true in the research and lived experience of sex and relationship therapists. A common idea that often gets perpetuated is that couples experiencing sexual issues stem from individual or relational problems. It can be baffling for couples experiencing sexual issues who say they love each other very much, consider each other, and feel that their relationship is very healthy. Traditional therapy has a hard time taking into account that sexual issues and even infidelity can take place in what is described as a happy and healthy relationship.
So what’s really going on? If a couple gets along well, communicates with each other, feels loved and supported by the other, sex should automatically fall in line, right? Well many times it doesn’t work like that. Whether it’s stress, desire discrepancy, traumatic experiences, or chronic sexual pain, there are plenty of reasons that happy couples experience dissatisfaction with sex.
When Sex Becomes an Issue
To break things down, most couples report that sex was the easiest for them at the beginning of their relationship. That would fall in line with the research as well. That first stage of a relationship or the “limerence or infatuation stage” is where sex is at an all time high. The couple is adventurous, sex with each other is novel, and stress is usually low. The bad news is the limerence phase usually only lasts for 6 months. For those who are lucky they keep it going up to 2 years. But after 2 years, a couple is entering that long-term relationship phase where companionship and familiarity has taken hold. That and many couples find that stress is increasing with life changes such as jobs or children entering the picture.
If sex is an issue, even if every other category in the relationship is doing well, it causes around a 50-75% negative impact on the relationship. However when sex is going well it only accounts for 15-20% of overall relationship satisfaction. It is incredibly important that sex is accounted for in therapy and that couples are getting appropriate treatment for the issue.
The Problem with “Traditional” Couples Therapy
In traditional couples therapy many therapist think that they need to treat communication or conflict issues first. However, in sex therapy we find that couples also need to be treating their sexual relationship at the same time. If one partner is experiencing depression or anxiety, that is another factor that many therapists think needs to be “fixed” before a healthy sex life can be addressed. But that too, should be treated at the same time as the sexual relationship.
Why Addressing Sex Matters
Sex has to be dealt with directly or it has little chance of getting better. If your relationship is struggling and sex is a factor, make sure that you are addressing the problem head on with your couples therapist while you work on making the rest of the relationship better. If you’re waiting to address your sex life till “all the other issues” are fixed, you will be ignoring a critical aspect of the relationship that will continue to add to overall dissatisfaction. Make sure that sex is on your therapy agenda to discuss and work on.
