Why Sex Changes in Every Long-Term Relationship

Long-Term Relationship Struggles

In the course of most long-term relationships there comes a point when one person or both look up and say, “Sex is not like it used to be!” This drop in sex has almost become a punch line among comedians and couples who have been together for decades all seem to be in on the joke.

This drop in sex comes with many reasons behind it but one thing every couple will almost unanimously say is that sex was hot, good, and frequent at the beginning of the relationship. When we look at the reason for this we can absolutely cite novelty as a reason but one phase that many couples haven’t evaluated or fully understand is the limerence phase.

The Limerence Phase

The limerence phase is the beginning phase in a romantic relationship that lasts as short as six months or if you’re lucky up to 2 years. The limerence phase was coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979. She identified that the first phase of any relationship is the limerence phase which is the act of falling in love. That means sexual excitement, obsession, intrusive thinking, and anxiety about the relationship ending is at an all time high. The sheer amount of chemicals being released during this phase is enough to have most people experience a romantic “high.”

But inevitably this phase ends, sex cools down, and responsibilities increase as the couple progresses more in life. Then couples are back to their “baseline” libido which during the limerence phase was impossible to assess.

Sex (or lack their of) Usually Becomes an Issue

For most couples there is a mismatch in libido and desire for sex. This is the number one reason I get sought out for sex therapy. Many couples experience a desire discrepancy that is leading to dissatisfaction, shut downs, and leading to distance.

So what is the solution to limerence or can you get it back? Unfortunately, long-term couples cannot get back to the limerence phase but that doesn’t mean that sex has to become an area of resentment or dissatisfaction. It means that each person in the couple needs to be aware of their baseline libido and see if they are both willing to make adjustments to prioritize sex in the relationship. Each person needs to be able to communicate their sexual needs and in turn understand their partners.

Being Flexible and Open to Sexual Change

Exploring desire (or lack their of) can also be helpful in finding ways to increase the quality and quantity of sex in the relationship. While long-term relationships absolutely can have satisfying sexual relationships, it is important that both people readjust unrealistic expectations, be flexible when life gets in the way, and make sure that communication about sex is often.

While the limerence phase had novelty going for it, moving on to commitment, trust, and stability can take sex to a deeper and more satisfying level. Long-term couples are the first to point out that even though sex changes as the relationship grows, sex has the potential to get better even if it is less frequent. For the couples who learn how to communicate about sex, meet each other with a non-judgemental attitude about fantasies and desire, and prioritize sexual intimacy in the relationship, find that they are much more sexually satisfied than they were at the start of the relationship.