Tips to Consider Before Marrying Young
Many couples seek me out for therapy because they no longer feel they anything in common with each other. While this can be a natural progression that happens in any relationship, one thing I see more and more are couples that feel they got together when they were “too young.”
The Data on Marrying Young
Unfortunately, there is truth that young couples are against more odds. Data shows that marriages between ages 20-24 have a 60% likelihood of divorce. There are reasons for this. At age 20-24 we often have yet to grow into the people we will become and our priorities can dramatically shift from early 20’s to late 20’s and even more so in our 30’s. Also, our brain hasn’t even finished growing until age 25. All that is to say, we and our partners can end up being completely different people in the span of a decade.
This can be a problem for couples who tie the knot in their early 20’s. Often at this age we’re not in deep into our careers yet, we have a limited idea about what division of labor looks like, and we have yet to throughly understand what our future needs and priorities will be.
One common thing I see in marriage counseling are couples that are struggling to grow together. So many young couples feel that the division of labor is not even close to equal, one person feels they are “carrying” the other in terms of finances, or there are really huge discrepancies between emotional maturity and sexual expectations.
Some couples are very fortunate in that they are able to work through this and find ways to grow together, but many are not.
4 Things To Consider Before Marrying Young
Date at least a year, if not longer
While a year may seem like a long time, especially for people with a limited amount of dating history, in the grand scheme of a relationship it’s not enough time. 1 year is not enough time to have built a history and working knowledge of the person you’re marrying. You are not able to see them in different life situations that encompass both highs and lows. You want to have experience with your partner before marriage where you understand their motivation, how they handle stress, their ability to deal with difficult emotions, and many other things.
Another factor to consider is that a year is still what we in sex and couples therapy call the “limerence phase.” This is a high point of infatuation where romantic love is at an all time high and sex is still fresh and exciting. Limerence typically lasts anywhere from 6 months to 24 months. It is really important for a couple to make it past that stage before marriage, especially when thinking about being compatible with sex.
2. Discuss your financial goals, values, and hopes
Do not shy away from discussing finances. This is a huge aspect that couple’s need to feel confident that they are compatible in. Understanding if your partner is more of a spender or saver as well as seeing if expectations are aligned for the future is a huge part of any couples success. Finances are still a huge reason couples end up divorcing. Having a clear understanding and working knowledge of what each partner is expected to bring to the table is a conversation that is very much needed.
3. Openly Discuss Sexual Expectations
Discussing each persons view of sex and where it falls in their priorities is always something each person should be aware of before getting married. Some young couples fail to adequately discuss their expectations for sex and are very surprised when it starts falling off, becomes more mundane, or takes a back seat to other aspects of life. Being able to openly and honestly address the importance of sex in your relationship as well as finding ways to plan and prioritize it become very needed in healthy long-term relationships.
4. Address division of labor from the start
All too often I see young couples who are frustrated because they feel they “do too much.” I often see young women frustrated that they work full time, do the majority of household labor, and then when kids enter the picture they handle most of those duties as well. Be upfront about what want and envision your spouse will offer in terms of division of labor. If one person wants to stay home, make sure it’s explicitly discussed before hand, if your vision is that both partners will be working and contributing to household chores, create a plan and start addressing what that division looks like. The more clear you are in your wants for your future marriage, the better chance of success and the less chance of resentment.
While all marriages have struggles, if you are young and considering marriage, premarital counseling is never a bad idea to make sure you’re aligned and ready for a very big but very worthwhile commitment.
