What is Discernment Therapy & What it Means for Your Relationship
There can come a time in a marriage or relationship where one or both parties is deliberating how to move forward. Many find themselves torn on the possibilities if they want to pursue a divorce or if their relationship can heal and get better . When couples are experiencing this, they often need to seek help in gaining clarity, understanding options, as well as trying to determine if things are salvageable or if both parties would be better served moving on from the relationship.
When Your Marriage is Not Working
A little too often we hear from society, and sometimes unfortunately from therapists, that anyone committed and willing to put in the work can find a way to make a marriage work. Unfortunately, that is not the reality I see in my therapy room. Sometimes I see two really wonderful people, who are confronting values conflicts, lifestyle, and life goals that are not aligned with each other. That doesn’t mean that their perspectives are wrong, it just means that they’re wrong for each other.
What is Discernment Therapy?
Discernment therapy is a time to work with a trained couple’s therapist to start evaluating your relationship together and start assessing what is flexible and what is a non-starter. The goal of discernment therapy is to gain confidence and clarity about how to move forward, whether it’s together or apart.
What Do Couples Work on in Discernment Counseling?
Having an unbiased therapist in the room can help couples clearly and effectively navigate difficult conversations and assess if divorce is a better option than continuing the battle. Here are things that a therapist will help you evaluate and gain clarity on when coming to discernment counseling:
Marriage expectations
Shared values vs conflicting values
Communication
Addressing resentment
Evaluating trust
Managing anger
Building compassion and empathy
Building coparenting skills
Acceptance of partner’s abilities and limitations as well and situations
How to Avoid A Messy Divorce
Unfortunately messy divorces are much too common. There is so much anger and resentment that it taints the entire picture of the marriage and blacks out even the good parts. In discernment therapy, the couple also goes through the process of trying to reclaim the positive parts of the marriage, as well as each other, to understand that while the marriage or relationship may not have lasted, that does not mean it wasn’t a meaningful or valuable time and experience for each person.
Discernment counseling is much more than just deciding whether to stay together or get divorced. When divorce is the conclusion, it can be incredibly helpful in navigating the separation and divorce process with as much love, kindness, and respect is possible. It teaches and helps couples go through the process of conscious uncoupling.
When divorce is the chosen path, the hope is for each person to move forward with confidence and compassion for each, and that each person learns how to communicate and manage volatile reactions. This is beneficial in any regard but especially in the case of sharing children. Learning how to coparent effectively, while showing respect for the other is sometimes easier said than done but will serve both the children involved but each parent as well.
Discerning That the Relationship Can Work
While discernment therapy can help the divorce and separation process healthier, there are many times where it brings a couple back together. It helps put in place clarity and starts the process of rebuilding a solid foundation to move forward together. It can be that time that couples realize they are able to continue life together with enough shared values and goals, while also being able to address the much needed changes, shifts, and flexibility needed to make the relationship work.
When to Seek Out Discernment Therapy?
Seek out discernment therapy if you, your partner, or both of you are wondering if divorce is something you desire but need clarity on how or if you move forward. Use that time to meet each other as honestly, address the resentments and issues in the relationship, as well authentically evaluate not only the relationship but each of you as individuals. Taking the time to thoughtfully address the viability and sustainability of your relationship is something that is immensely powerful and healing regardless of path taken forward.
