Understanding Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
Working in the field of couples and sex therapy I often find there is a huge misunderstanding of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Ethical non-monogamy often gets labeled as “an excuse to cheat” or something pursued because the existing relationship is broken. Those blanked statements are not just untrue but they are a gross misrepresentation about ethical non-monogamy and the individuals who participate in it.
What is ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)
The key word is ETHICAL. This is when a person or couple decides that they want to engage in opening up the relationship either sexually, emotionally, or both. This includes: swinging, random hookups, stranger sex, relationship anarchy, or polyamory. One thing to understand is that each individual and couple is different and often needs to explore and communicate the parameters of what ethical non-monogamy means to them.
Couples Who Engage in ENM
For couples, this often means communicating explicitly and often about what opening up their relationship means to them and engaging in multiple discussions about each person’s preferences, feelings, and fears. Honesty and truth are always at the heart of ENM and commitment (yes commitment) is another theme that is present.
I know that many read commitment and think of ENM as the opposite of that, but commitment is at the heart of ENM, and honoring agreements and respecting each person in the process is integral for those who practice ENM.
I often find with my clients who practice ENM that communication is something they become extremely comfortable with and learn to engage in frequently. While this is a strength of any type of relationship, in ENM it is integral in each person involved to be able to be heard and listened to in the process. When beginning down the road of ENM, it can be extremely anxiety-inducing with a huge contradiction of feelings from intense excitement to overwhelming jealousy. Communication, listening, and validation are all skills that need to be present in navigating an ENM dynamic.
Why Practice ENM?
Often there is a cynicism with ENM and many people often feel those relationships are problematic and destined to fail. But I urge you before rushing to judgment, to think about how successful monogamous relationships are. Right now, monogamy is holding steady with marriage still a 50/50 chance of success. To claim that ENM is problematic or destined to collapse a relationship fails to take into account the blindspot of monogamy.
While ENM may not be for everyone, the same needs to be understood and accepted for monogamy. The fact is that many individuals do not thrive in a monogamous dynamic and they are not meant to.
ENM allows individuals and couples to explore dynamics that offer them the best chance at authenticity and happiness. Just like monogamy may be an orientation best suited for some, ENM is an equally valid orientation.
Navigating ENM
When deciding if ENM is for you, consider that it is a process and that there will be bumps in the road, jealousy is natural, and communication does not often come naturally. In navigating opening up a relationship ethically it may be a benefit to seek out an ENM-friendly therapist to help work through the common feelings when practicing ENM. If you’re in a monogamous relationship but feel that you identify as an ENM person, you may need to explore if your partner is open or comfortable introducing ENM. However, you also may have to accept that they are not and this is something you must start embracing alone.
It is incredibly important that we start understanding more about ENM and gain a more informed and understanding perspective about what it is and isn’t. While it may not be for everyone, to blatantly dismiss or criticize those who do practice it is a close-minded and uninformed take on the nuanced complexities and consideration that ENM deserves.
