Regaining Trust After Betrayal

How to Heal and Regain Trust After Infidelity or Betrayal

When a relationship has experienced betrayal either through infidelity, lies, or secrets it is completely devastating and heart breaking for a partner. Often trust is completely eroded and rebuilding seems impossible. But rebuilding is completely possible, however, often suspicion, doubt, and feelings of vulnerability are very present and need attending to.

While all of these feelings are completely understandable, there are healthy ways to move forward and set the relationship up for success. Often, many couples agree to unhealthy terms of rebuilding, one partner becomes the “policeman”, and too often a new pattern emerges that is counterproductive to long-term success and a healthy equitable relationship.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you decide to work on your relationship after a betrayal.

Clear Expectations are Set and Communicated

It is imperative that when working through a betrayal all parties are on the same page about the expectations for moving forward as well as what each person expects from the other.

Things you SHOULD DO After a Betrayal:

Set up pathways for honesty, have frequent check ins when in doubt, ask for reassurance in a healthy way, and have a clear understanding about what will happen if trust is broken again.

After a betrayal such as infidelity, doubt will creep in and at times and one or both partners is going to need to be reassured no betrayal is continuing and that they are valued. This is completely warranted. However, at times it can start bordering on an obsessive need for validation and reassurance. This is a cycle that should try to be avoided. While low confidence may be prominent at the time of betrayal, it is important that there is not continued obsessive questioning, reenacting the sexual encounters, or stalking the affair partner. Unfortunately, this does occur and it does very little for healthy healing or rebuilding.

What to AVOID After a Betrayal:

After a betrayal it is important that the offended partner does not resort to monitoring all electronic devices, refuse to give the offending partner privacy, or incessantly question the offending partner continually, or try to “trap them” in a lie.

While suspicion is understandable at this vulnerable time, this behavior is not healthy in helping the relationship rebuild to a place of sustainability, authenticity, or trust.

There may be times that a partner feel vulnerable and need reassurance. Sometimes partners ask if they can check their phone or see their laptop. This should be done with clear communication, permission, and should not become an obsession.

Operate from a Basic Assumption:

One of the first things that it takes to authentically rebuild trust after a relationship is the presumption that both parties are actively agreeing to the rebuild and putting in equal effort. Back at the start of this post it mentioned that clear expectations and guidelines need to be set. If both people agree to something that means both are operating from that assumption.

Walking Away when Trust is Broken Again:

The really hard part is that if trust is broken again, lies occur, and betrayal happens again the offended partner needs to evaluate if this is a relationship dynamic they can operate in and if they would be better elsewhere. It is very important in understanding if these things are truly deal breakers and that if your deal breaker occurs again, you need to stay strong, and evaluate if trust can be fostered or if this person cannot give you what you need to feel safe, loved, and secure. Without trust, a bright and healthy future as a couple is not possible.

Seek Support:

If your relationship has experienced betrayal, start working with a professional therapist to start healing in a healthy way. Learn how to communicate with honesty and vulnerability. While doubt and suspicion can be very typical in this process, it is critical that the rebuilding begins and is implemented in a healthy way. If poor patterns start taking shape in the rebuilding process, it can set relationships up for more secrecy, resentment, and recurrent betrayals that cut deeper and deeper.