When Does Sex Become a Dealbreaker?

I’ve worked with many men and women who have come to my office discontent with their sex lives. Many are coupled and truly love their partner and start to wonder if they’re shallow, deficient, or broken?

While there are many people who flippantly pull out “dealbreakers” there are some needs or even wants, that if not met or compromised on end up never resolving. I see this often with sex.

When Sexual Desire Differences are Extreme

While differences in desire are completely normal in a relationship, when partners have extreme differences in libido or sexual wants/needs this causes rifts that often never fully heal. Many couples come to sex therapy and find ways to navigate this and do find ways to communicate, connect, and even compromise. Their relationship improves and sex becomes a pleasurable and joyful experience, even if libido and desire don’t fully align.

However, there are couples who are not just fighting about quantity of sex or desire, but are battling through negative cycles of poor or non-existent communication, heavy resentment about sex or the lack thereof, or have such extreme differences in sexual needs where one partner may even start to identify as asexual.

One thing many couples fail to understand that just as sex is a valid and positive needs for one person, it is equally valid for it not to be a need or want for the other. I have worked with many clients who do not enjoy sex, or are even repulsed by the act, and start to embrace an asexual identity. While this learning about themselves is wonderful and brings them closer to a more authentic identity, many have partners who are sexual beings who need sex as part of a loving and satisfying relationship.

For these couples with extreme differences in sexual needs/wants it almost always leads to a place of long-term strife, conflict, discontentedness, and depression. Even when a relationship consists of two best friends, sex can become such a large issue that it dampens the positive aspects and creates a negative headspace for one or both partners.

Wanting Sex or (Not Wanting it) are Equally Valid

I encourage couples going through this to seek help navigating this. It is incredibly important that both people also have their own therapist as an outlet to unload and clarify their feelings. I highly encourage that both partners don’t avoid sex or place it as the “only negative thing” in the relationship while avoiding it’s importance.

Sex, whether wanting it or not, is valid and can be critically important for happiness and fulfillment. Acknowledging the role that it plays in your life, as well as where you need it to be in a satisfying partnership, is crucial in understanding if the current relationship can continue.

Most couples I treat want to stay in their relationship. They want to make it work at all costs. However, acknowledging the toll it takes and understanding that sex is not shallow, is key in being able to understand if the current relationship can continue or if it needs to be restructured or even dissolved.

Get Help and Support

If sex has become a painful point of distress in your relationship, reach out to a local sex therapist and get the help and support you need. Many need a space to discuss things they feel are taboo or even shameful. In therapy, the hope is you can start figuring out what you need to live authentically as well as your needs for a happy and solid relationship.

While sex is often a struggle for most couples at some point, many times it is more than possible to overcome, reconnect, and start thriving with intimacy. However, when sexual desire differences are extreme or one partner starts identifying as asexual it is time to start getting help and examining what is possible for your relationship and what you both need to live a happy and satisfied life.