Female Sex Myths Debunked
I have had countless of experiences with not only men but also women who come into my office describing female sexuality through myths. Unfortunately, female sexuality is often misrepresented not just in the media but it is an under written about topic that hardly gets the attention it deserves. So many people think there’s “something wrong” with them or their female partner and the truth is that many times they’re basing their information off inaccurate myths. Let’s start the debunking now…..
If a woman is not experiencing vaginal lubrication, she’s not aroused…..
Too often men and women think that vaginal wetness is necessary sign of arousal. It’s commonly been referred to the female equivalent of an erection. Unfortunately, this is not true and causes anxiety on both men and women’s part when natural lubrication is not occurring.
The hard answer to this is that sometimes vaginal wetness is a sign of arousal but sometimes it’s not. Welcome to the term “nonconcordance.” If vaginal wetness is not happening naturally this does not mean that arousal and desire aren’t happening. It just means that maybe experimenting with lube is something to be open to.
Women don’t desire sex once the relationship is serious….
This has been an unfortunate myth that has hurt not just women but men who buy into it. Women still desire pleasure, intimacy, and sex even after a relationship is past the infatuation phase.
A big factor that is not taken into account is understanding spontaneous desire vs response desire. Dr. Emily Nagoski documents this well in her book, “Come as you Are.” 80% of males fall under the category of spontaneous desire. This means that the desire for sex can just pop up randomly or more intrinsically. 80% of females are the opposite in that their desire is responsive. That means that context is everything. Typically a context that involves a fight, a messy house, fatigue, or a long to do list is going to be a serious mood killer.
Setting the scene for women with responsive desire is a large part of getting to yes….that means attentions, contributions, and flirting are imperative to the dynamic. When this is a part of the relationship women very much are responsive and open to sex and are open to actively engaging in pleasure.
Women don’t like sex as much as men….
Also very false. Women do like sex and enjoy it. A big factor that is often overlooked is the messages that women receive about sex as they grow up. They are drastically different than the ones men receive.
Often they look like this…
“Don’t give it up to just anyone….”
“Men only want one thing and after they get it they don’t want you….”
“Don’t get pregnant or your life will be ruined!”
“Don’t be too aggressive…..”
These messages run deep. They sometimes impede women from being able to experiment sexually or be open to sexual pleasure. But it does not mean they don’t like sex. It means that women are working against harmful narratives that often stifle their sexual expressions.
Women don’t masturbate…
I hope this one has been debunked for many of you but this again is not true. While male masturbation receives more attention, women do enjoy masturbating and experiencing orgasm. In fact, when women know how to masturbate to orgasm they have a much higher likelihood of finding a way to replicate this with a partner.
A woman needs to orgasm during sex or she wasn’t satisfied….
While orgasm is important to women, it is not always a necessity when having sex. Many women enjoy sex even when orgasm doesn’t happen. Unfortunately, many men feel inadequate if they are not able to make their partner orgasm every time. I tell all my clients: pleasure NOT performance. Sex can be pleasurable even without an orgasm. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want an orgasm at times, it just means that the pressure should not be on for anybody having sex and that orgasm should not be the goal for either men or women. Pleasure should be the main focus of sex to be given and received.
