When is Porn Harmful vs When it Isn’t
The word porn brings up a visceral reaction in people. Especially people in relationships. I’m often asked by couples in therapy if porn is “hurting or taking away from their relationship.” My answer is always the same. “It depends.”
I have read other therapist’s blogs about porn and they often engage in sex-negative views or they discuss it in black-and-white terms. Either it’s always right. Or it’s always wrong. I take a much different approach to the discussion. It completely depends on how porn is impacting each person and the relationship.
To start highlighting when porn is harmless vs harmful let’s look at what separates that line.
When Porn is Harmful:
1. If anyone watching porn assumes that what they’re watching should translate into real life, we’ve got our first clue that porn is harming their relationship.
Porn IS NOT real life. The unfortunate fact of the world we live in is that the majority of teens are getting their “sex education” through porn. Schools that even provide sex education, don’t dare touch on sexual pleasure and help teens understand the way a woman’s body functions, that is unless it has to do with reproduction. This leaves young men clueless about female pleasure and instead has many believe that the porn they watch is how women enjoy sex. While some women may enjoy that variety of sex, many and I mean many need different ways of engaging in sexual pleasure. So if a man or person in a relationship is expecting their partner to respond and engage the same way someone in porn does, the relationship has a huge problem.
2. If one partner is choosing porn over sex or spending time with their partner then that is another sign that porn is harming the relationship.
When porn is something that is causing distance, both physically and emotionally, then it is something that needs to be addressed. This is a sign that a deeper probing is needed, to understand what is causing one partner to distance and understand more about what is happening. Is there an issue with satisfaction in the relationship? Or is there an addiction issue present? It’s something that a couple could use the help of a professional to learn more about in order to restore intimacy.
3. Is porn use leading to hiding, sneaking, lying, or use of finances that is not being discussed with their partner then porn is an issue?
Some relationships are entered into with the explicit expectation that porn is not tolerated in the relationship. If that agreement is being violated and is leading to sneaking around, lying to your partner, or hiding finances from them to avoid them seeing porn charges, then it’s time to get in therapy. It is critical to discuss what’s causing this behavior and explore more about the beliefs each person holds about porn. Porn can be a betrayal for many couples and can be held in the same vein as cheating. If that’s the case in your relationship, it must be addressed ASAP to repair.
When porn use is Healthy:
1. If porn use is agreed between both partners as a healthy and normal part of the relationship.
Long-term relationships go through many phases. Work and life get busy, parenthood can plummet energy and desire, or life changes like illness or menopause can cause major decreases in libido. Porn is sometimes the “release” that happens when your sex life with your partner can’t be at an all-time high. It can take pressure off the lower libido partner to have to perform or have sex when they don’t want to.
2. If porn is NOT causing unfair expectations for either partner in bed.
As long as porn use is not causing each person to feel their partner is deficient in bed and both are happy with the sex they’re having, then it is not harming the relationship. Men should not be under the impression that their partner should climax as soon as he enters her and women shouldn’t think that their man should have a 9” inch penis. These are just some examples of unfair expectations some people carry from porn use. Keep in mind porn is a fantasy, NOT a reality. Your partner may have very different sexual needs and need different ways of stimulation for pleasure. As long as the myths are done away with and both people are receptive to their partner’s sexual needs, that’s a sign porn is not harming you or your relationship.
3. Porn is not taking away from time together or being prioritized over time with your partner, family, or work.
As long as porn is not getting in the way of priorities and is not being chosen over time with family that’s a sign that it is not a major issue. If quality time is happening in the relationship and intimacy is still intact, the relationship is not suffering from porn use.
While I know this topic is a loaded and divisive one, I hope the one thing you take away is that this is not a “one size fits all” topic. Each relationship’s values and attitudes impact how porn use is seen and accepted. If you feel this is causing an issue in your relationship, seek support today from a sex-positive professional who can help you navigate the issues you’re facing.
