Sexual Shame and How to Reclaim Pleasure
Shame is a word that has become a topic of discussion and part of a natural discourse, specifically led by research professor and New York Times best selling author, Brene Brown.
Shame is something that we often learn or develop in our life that can impact many aspects of our life. It’s an overwhelming sense and belief that we are flawed and unworthy. Unfortunately, this can often occur for many when it comes to enjoying and engaging in healthy sex.
Being Raised on Shame Surrounding Sex:
I treat many individuals and couples who open up about the intense shame they feel in being sexual and intense guilt in being sexual. This often occurs when raised in an environment where sex is discussed in a negative connotation, or there are restrictions placed on the framework that sex should take place. Many coming from organized religions or being raised in purity culture often struggle feeling positive about sex or even pleasure in the experience.
Instead of learning about how sex is a natural part of the human experience and that pleasure is healthy, sustaining, and restorative, it has been framed for people as something to never think about or act on until they are in the safety of marriage.
But the problem here is that it is incredibly difficult to go from thinking of sex as taboo, immoral, and absolutely impure for the majority of your life, to then go and marriage where then it is“magically” ok. Having to reframe the act as something healthy, natural, and sustaining for an individual and a relationship is a tall order that many struggle to do and often feel great distress around.
This can create an intense cognitive dissonance in regards to sex and many couples struggle with being able to find joy in sex and be able to feel safe exploring sexually with each other. In fact, couples specifically come and see me in order to address the distress they feel surrounding sex, as well as the difficulty they have with being intimate.
Starting the Journey of Extinguishing Sexual Shame and Reclaiming Pleasure:
When relationships have shame present in terms of sex, it is so important to start the healing process as well as start the work of embracing sex and the health in seeing your yourself and partner as a sexual being.
Pleasure, is a word that needs to be embraced. Sexual pleasure is an individual right as well an important aspect for the couple system. Pleasure is for both people in the couple. Exploration and redefining narrow views and definition of sex need to be challenged and recreated.
Sex is not simply penetration. Sex can be a much broader and the definition needs to be expanded. By limiting sex to penetration, it limits exploration, identities, as well as other valid ways to give and receive pleasure and intimacy. Those in the LGBT+ community are well versed in understanding that sex is much broader than the heteronormative perspective and definition. This mentality should be shared, explored, and embraced by heteronormative individuals as well because it opens up avenues for sex to be satisfying for each party. This is a pivotal aspect in the journey of embracing sex, sexuality, as well as understanding more about pleasure, sensations, and preferred ways for orgasm.
Sex Therapy & Sex Positivity:
If sex is something where guilt and shame is dominating, reach out to a professional sex therapist and start working on changing these views. Sex and sexuality are to be embraced, honored, respected, and something that should bring confidence and satisfaction in each person’s life. Shame and guilt do not have to be the narrative that looms over your pleasure or relationship.
