The Dead Bedroom Marriage
The Dead Bedroom Dilemma
Often couples seek me out looking to address a common issue…they are experiencing a dead bedroom relationship. You may be familiar with the popular Reddit thread “dead bedroom” and by just scrolling for a minute you can see it’s a very common issue couples and relationships face.
What is a Dead Bedroom?
A dead bedroom is where a couple has stopped having sex. There seem to be many factors that lead to this and it distresses both men and women. One common factor is that one partner (usually the partner wanting sex more) becomes very pained by this dynamic. They find themselves hopeless and resentful that sex is no longer part of the relationship. Often, both partners fail to address this issue in productive ways. This increases the distance between couples until they find themselves settled into a “roommate situation.”
The Dead Bedroom Marriage
The dead bedroom marriage doesn’t just happen overnight but it’s a progression of events that leads to sex stopping. Often it’s brought on by stressors or when sex naturally slows down in the relationship. The dynamic I typically see is that one partner will try to initiate sex more and get shut down so frequently that they eventually stop. The lower-desire partner may have many reasons for not wanting sex or to be intimate. This can be work stress, issues in the relationship that aren’t being addressed, added responsibility, and life changes such as having children or a sick parent. Whatever the reason, the common thread I see is that couples do not adequately communicate about the “elephant in the room” or address the issue in constructive ways. If it is addressed it can either be hostile, passive-aggressive, or dismissive…..and all of these things lead to further separation as a couple and the bedroom staying dead.
How to Fix a Dead Bedroom?
The first step in fixing the dead bedroom is opening up communication. This means trying to be productive in the dialogue, avoid accusations, learn how to actively listen, and see if this is something that both parties are willing to work on.
This often requires going to a sex therapist to have a third party present to help navigate these discussions as well as moderate if things get hostile or tense. Many times a therapist is there to help you see if this is an issue that both people want to fix, and then evaluate the options for moving forward.
Dead Bedroom Solutions
The first part is figuring out why the bedroom is dead. If there are issues causing this then the couple needs to work on navigating them and working through them. If both parties are open to getting their sex life back then it often helps to start the process slowly. Throughout the entire process, there needs to be communication, consent, and negotiation about what each person is willing to do. Here’s a common template I assign clients:
First increasing quality time together. That means date nights, taking time to talk or connect after the kids are asleep, or any time together that increases connection.
While connection is being worked on physical touch needs to increase. That means holding hands, putting an arm around your partner during a movie, spending time cuddling in the bed, or purposeful hugs throughout the day. This is purposeful and meant to boost connection and intimacy.
When each party is ready and has discussed it, then it’s moving to kissing and caressing. This should be defined and communicated about what each person feels comfortable with. After a period of kissing and caressing, it’s time to move towards erotic touches. Erotic touches do not have to solely be during sex. These touches can and should happen when sex isn’t even an option. This also has a rhyme and reason. It’s meant to increase intimacy and reestablish each other as sexual beings with desires and sexual needs.
After these things have been going on for a period of time and everyone’s comfortable, then the discussion of sex can happen. These discussions should include communicating about sexual thoughts, fantasies, desires, as well as expanding both partner’s previous definition of sex.
Sex does not have to just be limited to penetration. Sex can be an array of acts. Think of an expansive color palette. If you used to only color with black and white, start experimenting with pink, violet, green, blue, orange….you get the idea. Open discussions about this can be extremely helpful in not just having sex again but having really good, exciting, and satisfying sex.
What if my Partner Wants us to Stay Sexless?
There are many reasons this happens. Sometimes one partner is not open to having sex and then it’s time to have some difficult discussions.
Sometimes one partner has to make the difficult decision if they can stay in a sexless marriage. However, some couples who choose to stay together and be sexless start the work of addressing what they are open to going forward. Many start learning about and exploring ethical non-monogamy or polyamory.
If you do decide to expand the relationship, the biggest key here is to be as honest and transparent as possible. Regardless of what choices you and your partner make, it is imperative that it is all discussed, communicated on, agreed to, and that the parameters and boundaries are crystal clear. Negotiation will also become a pillar in the relationship that at times needs to be readdressed if one person is having difficulty.
Final Thoughts
Not every marriage or relationship has to be the same. There is no one-size-fits-all all. If you’re in a dead bedroom relationship and it’s causing you deep distress, start the conversation now and take steps to start addressing it. A dead bedroom can never be solved in silence. It takes that first brave step….
