What’s ADHD got to do with Sex?

Did you know that according to a survey conducted by ADDitude, 51% percent of couples impacted by ADHD reported that it negatively impacts their relationships and sex lives.

Maybe these thoughts ring a bell…

“Why can’t she manage her time?!”

“Why is he acting so explosive and irrational?”

“They never listen to me!”

“I feel like he’s a child I have to parent!”

“It’s like they’re in another place when we have sex!”

If any of this sounds familiar, welcome to the ADHD club! ADHD not only impacts the person who has it but it affects their relationships as well.

ADHD is often narrowly viewed by its diagnostic criteria of inattentiveness, hyperactivity, or both combined. Too often it gets simplified as “forgetfulness, easily distracted, fidgety, or talks a lot.” There is SO MUCH more to the story! Many people with ADHD can have extreme reactions to what could be considered insignificant. Reactions can be large outbursts and met with great intensity. Anger is something that many with ADHD are quick to jump to. It can leave their partners in disbelief that they are getting so upset over something they perceive as trivial or unimportant.

Many non-ADHD partners have issues navigating their partner’s intense reactions and also feel they have to be the responsible one. They know where the groceries go, what time the appointments are, when the kids have to be picked up from school. It can leave that partner feeling like they have another child to parent…..and that doesn’t exactly make them want to jump into bed. And on the other hand, the ADHD partner can feel resentment from this dynamic feeling that they have been labeled unfairly as irresponsible or childish.

While ADHD affects many aspects of a relationship, dissatisfaction with sex life ranks highly among affected couples. Not only is it reported that ADHD affects impulsive behavior and poor communication skills but it can create barriers to intimacy. Many individuals with ADHD experience hypersensitivity, making them extra sensitive to touches and smells. It can make genital stimulation unpleasant and at times painful. Additionally, ADHD partners report difficulty focusing during sex, getting distracted in the moment, and at times having difficulty with arousal and orgasm due to boredom or medication side effects.

Unfortunately, ADHD has been shown to impact the success rates of relationships with these couples being twice as likely to divorce.

But don’t fear…..there is a way to make it through this!

A large part of treating someone with ADHD is not only working with them but working with their families as well. For the non-affected ADHD partner, knowledge is power. It leads to understanding, which leads to a better working knowledge of how they can support their partner. The ADHD-affected partner has things to work on too. Working on emotional regulation, impulse control, increasing active listening skills, and healthy communication are all skills that need to be adequately practiced and addressed.

Many ADHD-impacted relationships seek therapy in order to navigate these waters. Through therapy, each system can be addressed and practical tools can be given to strengthen relationships.

Additionally, couples can seek sex therapy to learn more about what sensations feel good and which ones to avoid. Strategies are implemented to limit distractions during sex, help find the time for intimacy, find comfortable ways to introduce sexual variety to reduce boredom, and useful mindfulness strategies to improve focus which helps to be present in the moment.

Successful treatment leads to higher relationship satisfaction, improved communication, and greater self-awareness and insight into the relationship dynamic. And it can also lead to better and more satisfying sex. When understood and actively addressed, ADHD does not have to be the camel that breaks the relationships back. There are ways forward. Medication management, education, and therapy are great places to start.

ADHD is not something to fear. Taking the time to learn how to navigate symptoms can not only strengthen your relationship, but it can be a chance to grow, connect, and increase the excitement between you and your partner.